Creating a Diverse Community of Women

Nila Mahyari Stevens is a pharmacist by training and has used her skills in the areas of research, nonprofit and policy decision-making in the healthcare space. Nila is currently on the medical affairs team for a mid-size family-owned pharmaceutical company. She moved to Chicago 7 years ago and currently lives in Evanston with her husband, Mike, and beloved dogs, Monty and Dasha. Yearning for a deeper connection to herself and others, Nila created the Women’s Retreat with the purpose of connecting, sharing stories and learning from other successful women. Here, we discuss her perspective and desire to create a small, intimate retreat focused on a soulful connection.

Let’s start with you sharing a bit about yourself with A Dose of Zen readers.

I was originally born in Tehran, Iran and emigrated to America with my parents and brother when I was 9 years old. We initially settled in the Atlanta, GA area.  I’ve since had the opportunity to move around, living briefly in Denver and finally settling in Chicago. I love the diversity of bigger cities. Growing up, it’s been interesting navigating two cultures. I’ve always felt like a bridge between the two cultures. My father was an artist and my mother has a degree in economics.  I was raised in a very creative and academic environment that gave me access to an array of interests. Because of this, I think one of the main things that define me is the immigrant drive and desire to succeed. I’m definitely a go-getter.

What motivated you to start the women’s retreat?

Honestly, I felt a deeper desire to connect and learn from other women. I was raised in a culture where the community is a very important part of our well-being and daily lives. Community is where we connect, lean on each other and can discuss hardships. And I believe, in the current modern world, there’s just not enough of it for either gender. I feel it’s missing today. We spend a lot of time hiding behind technology, and studies have shown huge populations of chronically lonely and depressed people in their 30’s, 40’s and beyond.

I’ve gone through a lot of change and loss during the last few years. I was feeling isolated, disconnected and was really yearning for a deeper connection that comes from a support network of like-minded people. A lot of my friends live in different cities. Despite having the technology to keep us connected, I was really missing the face to face conversations and connections. And I thought perhaps other people might be as well. I realized all the benefits that an event like this could have on others which led to the desire to create it. So, my first motivation was the importance of community and how it impacts our health.

The second piece is how it relates to women. For me personally, the reason I wanted to do this for women is there are so many amazing women in my life and we all go through struggles, we go through challenges, we worry, but we eventually figure it out. And, I thought how nice it would be to retreat from our daily stresses; have that sense of community to connect and share some positive energy for a weekend. When I initially thought about creating this retreat experience, a lot of the women I spoke to said they felt isolated in their struggles. Their comments resonated with me. 

The third piece is to really focus on self-care. I believe this is a fundamental piece to our well-being. It’s not an indulgence. It’s really a necessity and I wanted to create an intentionally calm space where we can discuss this topic together and learn best practices from each other. I think events like this can help change behavior over time, creating more happiness for us all.

What change do you envision creating with this retreat?

So, with this retreat, I envision two main things. First, I hope that I can create a sense of community among women; and second, I hope to create positive behavior change for the community. The beauty of it is also the intimate nature and the decision to keep it small. I know there are a lot of wonderful conferences for women out there where the numbers get too large and people don’t really get to share an intimate experience. Therefore, having a small retreat is very important to me. A comfortable place where women feel excited to contribute, share and be heard. My goal is to continue having this annual retreat that creates positive change in women’s lives.

When you started reaching out to people and planning it, how was it received? Did any of the responses surprise you?

I don’t know if it surprised me, but it was awesome how overwhelmingly positive the responses were for a gathering of this nature. After initially reaching out to friends to gauge their interest, all responded, “Yes, the need for something like this in my life is there.” It made me realize there are most likely many other women that would appreciate this as well. I am grateful to have such positive feedback on the concept and content. It’s been amazing.

What do you hope to get out of the initial retreat?

The main thing I’d like to get out of it is to understand how this experience impacts the participants. So, I’m hoping to do a pre and post questionnaire of the experience with a follow up at 6 and 12 months. My goal to keep nurturing this community and to gauge where everyone is at in the different phases and to understand the impact on their life.  I’m fully committed to doing this next year. But the most important thing is to understand the feedback we receive and understand how to tweak it as we go. This feedback is critical to creating a long-term, sustainable plan on how best to continue this retreat.

I’ve learned a lot through the planning and am grateful to have had this time to dedicate to it outside of my full-time job. I truly hope the participants will find the carefully curated selection of activities insightful, restorative and grounding. It’s important to me to have great content to promote a cultural component along with good food, a wine lesson and to continue the weekend with yoga and meditation. Overall, the main goal is to have fun and enjoy the time we get to spend together learning from each other.

What are your main takeaways or learnings from putting this retreat together?

It’s been a journey. One of the most valuable parts of creating this retreat has been dealing with the difficult conversations in my own mind, embracing discomfort, accepting my fear and learning how to push through self-doubt.

I realized that many of us have a fear of other people’s opinions impacting us. It’s not so much a fear of failure, but it’s a fear of other people’s opinion of your failure. When I initially started planning this, I had a lot of uneasy feelings and it was uncomfortable. I was able to distinguish between my feelings. I realized, okay, this is my first time doing this type of thing. I’m not an expert. I don’t have this magnificent wisdom to share with a group of women. However, what I’m doing is really being the connector, which is something I’ve been my entire life. A bridge. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been bringing people together. I’ve always had this inclusive nature to my personality.

One of the other lessons I learned was hearing NO and not taking it personally. I don’t think I was prepared for the initial feeling of rejection while planning the retreat. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t resonate with everyone. However, it’s a very different process when you’re putting something together that you’re so passionate about and hearing NO. I admit, in the beginning, it was hard to hear. But now when I hear no, it doesn’t hurt because I think I’ve heard enough of it and I realize it is okay. Accepting that has given me the freedom to grow.

Lastly, the third lesson I learned is the importance of setting deadlines.  It was difficult for me to create expectations for myself as well as others. I realized that I was initially scared to give people deadlines (to register, to pay) out of fear of making them feel uncomfortable. However, the best way to show commitment is to set expectations for everyone. I’ve learned for the next one that I will have defined deadlines for myself and for others and that this will make the planning process that much better.

What gave you the courage to push through the fear and self-doubt?

Funny you ask this question. I listened to a podcast by Samin Nosrat, food columnist of The New York Times Magazine. She also has a Netflix show based on her book called Salt Fat Acid Heat. I think she is a very impressive woman. One thing Samin said is “I’m not special. I am just a person that didn’t listen to my self-doubt and I pushed through and stuck it out and I did something.” And, I thought to myself, that’s exactly it: I’m not special but I can certainly push through and stick it out. A lot of people could have this idea, a lot of people might do this, but a lot of people might stop because they start to doubt themselves and they start worrying about failure. I said I’m not going to do that. I am going to embrace the discomfort and push through.

How do you think these lessons learned have benefited your professional side?

I think I have a heightened sense of confidence now. I’ve learned to ignore self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Realizing and recognizing that these feelings are part of the human condition. I’ve learned to focus more on myself instead of other people’s opinions of me. This has helped me tremendously at work. For example, this past year at my job I’ve had one of my best years yet. I won an award called the President’s Club and it’s typically given to Sales. However, I was awarded for Scientific Excellence. In addition, I gave two presentations to large audiences. I appreciated the feedback that I received on my stage presence and confidence. I truly believe all the lessons learned through organizing this retreat gave me a reason to pause but also to grow beyond myself. I love that it’s been recognized professionally by my peers, but that wasn’t my intention. I learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I don’t always have to have the answers. That’s the beauty of creating a community of people.

In closing, what are 3 simple joys that are part of your daily routine?

1. Witnessing the joys of my dogs. I love being around my dogs and just seeing them have fun. It makes me enjoy life more and it’s so therapeutic.

2. I love my alone time. My favorite place to be is in my bed. It’s those simple moments of reading, relaxing and chatting with my husband that recharge my spirit. This downtime is so critical for me.

3. Finding the silence in my mind.  As much as I wish I could say I do this every day, unfortunately, I do not. This question should be my reminder. I use meditation to allow my senses and mind to enter a state of relaxation where my mind goes quiet. It’s in this centered, calm moment that I feel happy. I feel relaxed and grounded.

The Women’s Retreat took place on September 20 -22, 2019 at Shirley Ryan Ability Lab located at 355 E Erie St, Chicago, IL 60611.

If you are interested in future retreats, you can reach out to Nila at nilastevens84@gmail.com.

*Photos courtesy of Nila Mahyari Stevens.